Tag Archives: Kyle McKeown

Jan of the month

May 7, 2003

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by KYLE McKEOWN

She’s going to help you plan the rest of your academic life, so show this woman some respect, fool.
Kansas City native Jan Welterman came to Longview Community College over 17 years ago. As an academic advisor, she has worked with hundreds of students yearly in mapping college and professional career paths.
Welterman’s hobbies include anything and everything involved with nature. Fishing, hiking and gardening are just a few of Welterman’s interests, and. Her love of the outdoors lead Welterman to earning a bachelor of science and education with a physical education major and then a masters of science and education. Since she was a child Welterman has been active and excited to participate in a range of games and sports.
In addition to her job as an academic advisor, Welterman works as a part-time instructor, teaching Physical Education for Elementary Teachers, a night class.
Welterman’s demeanor is heartening. She is adamant in her praise of Longview. “Longview is a great place,” Jan said. “Working with students and the diversity of the job makes every day its own adventure.” Welterman’s office is located in the Advising and Counseling wing of the Campus Center and it echoes her personality. A Persian cat calendar hangs on the wall adjacent to her desk, telling the world of her love for her two male Persians, Shadow and Rocky.
The mood of her office speaks of Welterman’s easy-listening musical tastes. No clutter beleaguers her desk space, yet it’s very laidback and soothing. Welterman talks to people and listens well; iconic advising behavior.
Welterman rarely allows stress to affect her life, but if there were one aspect of her job that Jan did find stressful she said it would be “attempting to get everything done in an eight-hour-day.”

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Going to the Chapel

April 18, 2003

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by KYLE McKEOWN

Before moving to Kansas City last August I did not know what love was, but over the course of my fall and spring semesters at Longview I have found love four times. Below are the vows I have written to the four people with whom I fell in love since moving to Kansas City. These are the vows that I will read to each of my lovers when we are wed. No wedding dates have been set, yet, because these people do not yet know that they are in love with me, but that will not take long because I am super fine, I have cool hair and I can dance.

Bobbie Lewis
You must have wings,
Cause girl you are fly.
Since the first time you walked by,
I knew we were in love.
When I saw you in the Student Activities Office,
I thought, “Wow, you are so fine.”
Cause you are.

So fine.

And then I would see you on camp-“us,”
And I would think,
“Golly, I sure would like to buy that girl things, for her.”

So fine.

I went out and got a job,
And that job made me tired.
So I did not go to my other job,
And I got fired from my other job.
But that is O.K. because
I am on food stamps and I can buy you things
And cook you things and make you say,
“Yummy.”

You are so pretty it makes me smile.

I have a question for you.
What is the longest word?

Smiles.
There is a “mile” between the first and last letter.
Girl, there will never be a mile between our hearts,
Because the only thing between our hearts is URHEART
And I do not even know what that means.

It may be French,
And if it is,
I will learn French.
I will learn what “URHEART” is
Because it is between our hearts
And I will crush it.
So that nothing is between our hearts.

Here is a list of things I would like to share with you: Slurpees, Dancing, Hugs, Music, my awesome hair, my cool shoes, my awesome family and friends, and my Dad who likes to go rollerblading in Daisy Duke shorts and cut-off t-shirts.

Amy Ruff

My friend, my dream, my wife.

Ruff Ruff.
Boo, you making me act the fool.
Like your name, I bark when you call, and
I heel when you snap.

Yeah Boo,
I love you.

Since the first time I fell in love with you last fall,
You have volleyed my heart
Like a round white volleyball.
Yeah.

Girl, you are so fine that when I look in the mirror
I get scared that what I see in you
Is something more beautiful than my hair.
Because my hair is awesome, girl, and
When I get my hair permed, it will be like the tightening of my hair
And our love.

Just like your volleyball team
Went to nationals for the JUCO division,
We will go to nationals for the LOVE division.

Amy, you are so fine that
They should make a reality TV show about you called,
Amy the Most Finest Girl in the World, and She Is Pretty Too.

But you are so much more than that.
You are funny, and gangsta’, and
your beauty is like de-icer on my chest.
You melt my heart.

Mina Dasari
You make me happy.
When I am happy I prance.
I prance like a deer, a doe,
A female deer.
A ray, A drop of golden sun.
Illuminating from your
Big beautiful smile.

I love seeing your petite,
So fine body,
In your big pooffy jacket.

Girl, my friends don’t think
I could hack it with you.
But baby,
I’m an ax, and I’ll cut through
A forest of nay-sayers
To find our love tree.

When I was younger,
Like 19, I would go to the park
All alone, and I would sit on the swing
And I would think about you.
Which is crazy because I was in Michigan
And I did not even know you.

Now that I am in Missouri,
Well, girl, now we getting married
And now I do not have to sit on a lonely swing
Anymore.
Because, now we will swing together
On the dance floor.

You are on student government,
Did you know that you amended my heart?
Yeah, you wrote the bill of rights to my love constitution.

And you gave yourself the right:
To speak that you love me, to rest in my bare arms,
To comb my hair, to tell me I am fine and to touch my bootie.

Aaron
how I love who you are
Maybe it is the way I could stare into the sheets you hold to your face in the night,
Or maybe it is the way you whisper in my ear
That the homerun you just hit would not have happened if I had not been here.

You are always there for me,
You are there during scary movies to wrap me in your big arms.
You are there when my shoe laces come undone and I forget how to tie them.
Then you tie them.

If our love was a nation, you would be the president,
And I could be your intern.

In-turn, we would have the greatest nation in the world,
Because nothing can defeat our love.
Maybe we should sell our love on ebay.
We could sell it as nuclear fallout shelters.
It is that strong.

Or maybe we could liquefy it
and sell it on the streets as a substitute to steroids.

We could call it:
LOVE: by Aaron and Kyle;
Strong Enough to Kill a Moose.

Sometimes, when I am sleeping,
I have dreams where we are
Two arctic polar bears running through
The snow and we have babies.

But after I have your babies,
You come back and you try to eat our babies
Because, you know,
Male polar bears do that.

I hope you never eat our real babies.

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When unprepared, Planned Parenthood is near

March 18, 2003

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by KYLE McKEOWN

Unplanned pregnancies are a frightening reality for a great many struggling families. With the right precautions, many of these pregnancies can be avoided. But, all too often, couples engage in unprotected sex and put themselves in situations that make them more susceptible to becoming pregnant.
Many teenagers fear going to their family doctor for birth control under suspicion that their parents may find out. Planned Parenthood offers these fearful teenagers an alternative. Penn Valley student Jordan Priest and his girlfriend have visited Planned Parenthood in the past. “It feels weird, talking to your parents about your sex-life. I just don’t think they understand. Planned Parenthood has helped us out for a longtime.”
Planned Parenthood is not an abortion clinic. They merely wish to help aid in the protection of women’s birthrights and a family’s control of their sex lives. Margaret Sanger founded Planned Parenthood, after she had already gained fame and respect for founding the American Birth Control Movement in the early 1900’s.
They offer information concerning all aspects of pregnancy but only offer help in the form of preventative practices such as the pill, condoms. Pap smear screenings and STD testing for both male and female patients is also available.
Females must undergo a yearly pap smear screening before receiving any hormonal forms of contraception such as the pill. All other services and forms of sexual protection are readily available for use.
Planned Parenthood is for everyone. No one is turned away.
“We want people to know that everyone is welcome and to not feel weird about coming to us. Even girls who are not sexually active should come talk to us when considering sex. We have lots of information that anyone can just walk in and pick up,” said Mary Corning, desk assistant.
Many sexually inactive women also seek help from Planned Parenthood and receive their first pap smear there. Nurse practitioner Kathy Perry believes, “It is good for all young ladies to get examined some time around their eighteenth birthday as part of a checkup.”
Planned Parenthood has help for numerous situations. Sometimes, people have sex unexpectedly and are in a bind. If this ever happens to you and you did not use any contraceptives then it would be a good idea to either see your family doctor or find a Planned Parenthood in your neighborhood and ask if they offer the day-after pill. The day-after pill can be taken up to 72 hours after the act of sexual intercourse and still be very effective in preventing pregnancy.
Planned Parenthood is a not-for-profit organization, but they do accept donations and may ask if you would like to make a donation after providing aid.

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Naked: The Truth

February 28, 2003

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Too sexy for his shirt, the intrepid reporter bares all for Art

by KYLE McKEOWN

I was walking down the first-floor hallway of the LA building when I saw a sign on one of the art class doors: NO ADMITTANCE: MODEL POSING.<BR>I came to learn that the sign was posted because the model behind that door was posing nude.<BR>Not being one to shy away from unleashing my glory upon the world, my curiosity got the better of me and stirred a number of questions concerning nude modeling that I needed to answer. <BR>Could I do it? How much would I get paid? Would I be nervous? Would the students laugh at my weiner?<BR>To find the answers, I went straight to the source. <BR>While hanging out before class, I called the art department and talked to instructor Jim Smith. He gave me the lowdown on the job: pay, nudity and the formality of the class. Then he asked if I would be interested in trying modeling.<BR>I had never modeled before, excluding senior pictures and some short sessions for a friend who is a photographer and was working on a project. I had never been in a situation where I would be the center of attention for a class studying every amazing piece of my beauty.<BR>Smith asked me to come in the following Friday and “try out” the modeling to see whether it was something I felt comfortable doing.<BR>I had a week for the idea of being nude in front of a room of my fellow students to set in. Nudity is not foreign to me. I was the guy in high school who would from time to time drop trou, slip on a sock and socialize at a party. <BR>The situation in a classroom is something different. When I would “sock walk” at a party, I was surrounded and supported by my friends. Everyone was joking around. In a classroom, I would be expected to act professionally, and those around me would be acting professionally. It would be a lighthearted atmosphere, but one of intensity and determination.<BR>It is always easier to whip out your hose when you expect people to laugh, because then you can at least pretend they are not laughing at it. A large party favor included with my nudity would be the revelation of my saggy testicles. Due to some gene, the boys of my family were blessed with either saggy, or grossly large testicles. I was curious to see what the class’ response would be to their magnificence.

When I entered the class on the morning that I was to model, I heard Smith talking to one of his students in a tone of skepticism as to whether I was going to show up. My appearance muted his doubts and solidified my commitment to the arts. My dedication, while never a question in my heart, became a truth of my concealed beauty.
Smith quickly showed me the classroom and allowed me to undress in his office. I half took my time, half hurried out of my clothes and into my robe, exiting his office with a few minutes to spare before class was to begin. I wandered around the class attempting to mentally alter the girth of my penis. I wanted it to look presentable to the class. I wanted it to be a predominant feature amidst my overwhelming beauty.
The classroom setup was intimidating. The students surrounded a large table-like platform covered in an old baby-blue cotton blanket.
Everyone seemed to believe that I knew what Iwas doing because I received little direction as I meandered up to the platform, uncertainly placing my feet upon its steps. Smith asked his students if they were ready to start. I took his cue, dropping my robe and revealing to the class of strangers my shocking beauty.
Smith started by having me strike five sequential poses for one minute apiece as a warm-up exercise. I was a little nervous and oblivious to how he wanted me to pose, so he gave me ideas for actions I could perform. When he told me to bend over and pretend I was tying my shoe, any inhibitions I was still holding were thrown completely out the door.
It was a good thing I shaved my taint.
Over the next two hours, I was asked to hold a variety poses for increased durations. I performed five, ten, fifteen and twenty minute poses.
With each pose, I became more and more comfortable atop the platform, but I still lacked the confidence I yearned for.
Time is a comfort. The Wednesday after my try out, I received a phone call from Smith asking whether I would be interested in taking over his Friday class permanently. I accepted, putting any concerns about time or comfort on the back burner.
Two days later, I entered the classroom for the second time. The feeling in the room was much more relaxed. I was completely comfortable. No pose seemed unreasonable or inadequate.
A substitute teacher was scheduled, but had yet to arrive, so the students and I got started with four short poses as we waited for the sub. I was choosing my own poses and they were received relatively well. Everything was groovy.
The sub soon showed up and I spent the rest of the time doing more expressive, longer poses. She gave me pointers for further sessions. It was a very receptive environment. My second day of posing solidified my confidence in expressing my beauty.
Nude modeling has been rad thus far. For now, it is a decent job with short hours and good pay and I will continue posing until I no longer can afford to keep it in my schedule.
The most valuable feeling I gained from the experience is a complete confidence in the expression of my beauty without shame or doubt.


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Stop Frontin’

February 28, 2003

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More black power

by KYLE McKEOWN

Pride is an asset to anyone.
African Americans represent less than 15% of the American population and whites represent about 74% of the American population. I grew up surrounded by a diverse and extreme range of races, so it is sometimes hard for me to see prejudice. I used to wonder why there was black power and not white power.
It’s because we do not need to preach the strength of the white race in America. It is apparent in sheer force and multitude. Whites outnumber blacks five to one. That is very intimidating. It would not be totally unimaginable to think that blacks in America would (do) feel intimidated (or looked down on). Minorities are deemed minorities for the lack of strength represented in their numbers. Blacks seek to be equal and share in the American dream and society. That is very hard to do when 74% of the American dream is white.
America is the white man’s country, but it is also the African American’s home and if you cannot feel comfortable, secure, and equal in your own home, then where can you?
Blacks must work to change the world. It is their duty to claim what is rightfully theirs in the face of an overwhelming group lacking the understanding to truly recognize the difficulty and importance of black pride. Pride is power.
Blacks (warning: stereotype) are confident and demanding of respect because it is a value and commodity difficult to obtain and earn in a society in which they are out numbered in so many respects.
Whites do not understand this seemingly inherent need for respect because they do not need to “earn” it in the same scope as someone facing the majority.
Blacks must demand more (any) respect, while the majority receive it for no reason, except numbers. Blacks become defensive and protective and this garners feelings of animosity towards the whites.
African Americans earn the level of equality they have achieved by compensating for their lack of numbers in their overwhelming confidence, demand for respect and pride. Whites are initially granted a five to one comfort zone of acceptance over blacks. Therefore, blacks need five times as much pride as any white man.
Pride and Power will defeat prejudice. We root for the minority until we become the majority and once we become “the best there is” we pin the minority to the ground with our heel to their throat.

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