It’s official. Hell has finally frozen over in the wide world of sports. Every aspect of any game has either gone to the toilet or it’s just plain freaky. So here’s the run down for all of the wacko or idiotic things that have happened since the Giants lost the World Series.
The Cincinnati Bungles- sorry I mean Bangles- have finally won a game.
Peter Warrick actually lived up to his number one over-all draft pick hype of three years ago and did something on the field other than fumble or drop a pass. He caught seven passes for 78 yards and a touchdown.
At least now the Bangles don’t have to worry about not winning a game and being like the ’75 Bucs team that lost every game of that season.
In the NBA, the crown jewel of basketball, the Lakers, started the season 0-2. This special treat for Los Angeles fans hasn’t been accomplished in almost 15 years.
I wouldn’t be too worried about it though, in the games since then, Kobe Bryant has had two triple-doubles, is averaging just a shade under 31 points but the Lakers are still only 2-5 so far4 this season. It will be all right once Shaq gets back.
Now I have some sad news from the world of basketball. Grant Hill has been sidelined again for the third straight year because of soreness in his surgically repaired left ankle. Yeah right, who didn’t see this one coming?
Hill, though sometimes showing flashes of brilliance, hasn’t been an impact player since he was traded to the Orlando Magic. He’s more like a $100 million cheerleader.
Okay, I know that nobody watches hockey around here but this is at least worth mentioning.
Perennial doormat/bottom dweller/we-lived-in-hockey-obscurity-our-entire-NHL-existence Tampa Bay Lighting are sitting on top of their division for the first time ever. Yes, my friends. It is a sad day indeed when one is forced to have to mention the Lightning in the same breathe as the Detroit Red Wings or Colorado Avalanche.
I hope everybody is sitting down because this is by far the stupidest or most amusing thing you will read in a while.
We all know soccer is the most popular sport in the world. So what happens when the first-place team in an Argentinean league is slapped with a bad call? Do they give up? No! They score 149 points against themselves to protest the officiating, that’s what they do. The coach actually instructed his team to do this. And we thought Bobby Knight had problems.
I don’t know about anyone else but now that the temps are falling in hell I might not actually be so scared about ending up in the new icy pits of Gahanna. If you have any questions or comments I’ll be in penthouse #665 right next to the beast.

Tech N9ne is back with his newest release, a Strange Music debut, Absolute Power. Although, not as masterful as his previous record Angehellic, Tech’s latest album is entertaining, to say the least.
Tech N9ne has obviously developed his sound since Angehellic, which only featured local KC talent like the 57th Street Rouge Dog Villains. This time around nationally known shock rappers D12 (minus Eminem) appear on the album. KC is represented, though, with the aforementioned 57 RDVs, Yung Gunz and Big Krizz Kalico.
The strong points of Angehellic though are the tracks where Tech spits by himself without help from any additional MCs. “Slacker,” the first single off the album, is clearly the stand-out track but it doesn’t compare to other songs on the record. Five tracks, however, make it a must have for hip-hop fans or anyone down with the local music scene.
“Imma Tell” and the title track “Absolute Power” are the anthems for album. In “Absolute Power” he rips JCOR Records, accusing them of not pushing his previous album. He pushes his point when he delivers an extremely well composed rhyme, directed at JCOR bigwig Jay Ferris and the rest of the company, telling them where they can stick it, in so many words.
“Slither” and “Trapped in a Psycho’s Body” can be described in one word: haunting. “Slither” takes Tech on a journey to local strip club, Diamond Joe’s, where he meets a stripper and goes back to her place. The song is so weird because it’s basically a darker, less corny version of Quintin Tarrintino’sFrom Dusk Till Dawn. “Trapped in a Psycho’s Body” brings Tech back to his roots as an underground god by rhyming about what makes him unique, the macabre.
The last standout track, which is also the last track on the album, “I’m a Playa,” is by far the most fun song on the album. It samples the old “Rock Me Amadeus” song from the ’80s.
Tech has put together a great CD. It just lacks his underground sound from previous releases and performances. The sound, now, is almost too polished for Tech, which might not sit well with his core audience but will probably get him more play on radios around the country.
In the end, Tech N9ne made a great album but for either marketing reasons or reasons of his own, he decided to go with a more mainstream sound and not with what made him a KC underground king, a wickedly dark aspect of real life.

by DAVID L. PENNER

America, come out, come out, where ever you are.

Hey, look, imagine that. We’re safe and nothing happened to us on September 11.

You can come out of your bunkers and underground homes now because oh, yeah, nothing was going to happen anyway.

Now that you’ve realized that you aren’t going to die, feel free to join the rest of the world and get on with your life.

America is still in a state of mass hysteria and it’s a year after the fact.

I’m not by any means trying to disrespect or make a mockery out of a tragedy. I’m just sick of being bombarded with useless stories and information about the exact same thing, kind of like the O.J. Simpson trial but with more drama.

Has anyone noticed that our supposed “war on terror” is another Vietnam waiting to happen? It’s just on a more global scale.

Now, does anybody remember what happened during Vietnam? We didn’t so much as win that one.

While watching the news a couple of weeks ago, CNN broke a story on how the Taliban was allegedly testing a new chemical weapon on dogs. Honestly all I could think about was how far behind their technology really is, at least the United States can afford to use monkeys when they test new chemicals.

Hey I know we are all going to die sometime but I can guarantee it won’t be from anthrax or any other biological weapon unless you are a refugee living in Northern Iraq.

People can call me cold hearted because they might think I have no sympathy regarding such a disaster but I really do care.

September 11 was one of the worst things to ever happen on American soil and I do think it needs to be remembered, in everyone’s own little way. It does not need to be remembered though with stale stories and media barrages about how bin Laden is going to unleash holy hell on America

Osama should be the least of our worries right now. Instead of looking for a man we can’t catch let’s focus on problems that we can actually take steps to eliminate in our own country like crime, poverty and over crowding in jails.

Money is the root of all evil, just ask the players of Major League Baseball.
Alex Rodriguez, the shortstop for the Texas Rangers, is the highest paid player in professional sports history. He is scheduled to make $150 million dollars during his contract.
Why?
You can probably trace this back to when Babe Ruth was making more money than the president.
Today’s players are jerks, most not as bad as John Rocker, plus they get whatever they want.
Let’s take a minute to think about this. Professional athletes get paid on average way more than any other profession.
A league minimum salary is six figures, while the people who come to watch the players make right at $40,000 a year if they are lucky. That means people like teachers, librarians, policemen and firefighters get crap, comparatively speaking.
So, once again, why is this?
Well, according to the media we idolize athletes and make them our heroes. Our heroes, or at least mine, are the people who actually strive to make a difference, like teachers, librarians and so on, not over-paid babies who think they deserve millions of dollars to play a game.
A game for Chrise sake!
Hey, I got an idea. Why don’t we create a national kickball league? It’ll be fun. We can pay the kickball players millions of dollars to play, just like the baseball players, only it’s kickball.
I know some of you are thinking why pay kickball players a ton of money but why pay baseball players tons of money?
I find it funny to hear the players complaining about how the fans booed them in their own stadiums. What did they expect, cheers?
Thanks to Bud Selieg actually saving baseball, we can wait another five or six years to listen to the MBL talk about striking again.
Let’s go on to football.
Tony Gonzales, you poor baby, do you really think King Carl is going to give a long-term contract?
It’s really simple: NO!
Tony, you are a tight end. There is nothing glorious about your position. Consider yourself lucky for the $3 million you are getting this year because you are just going to get slapped with the franchise tag again after the season.
By the way, Jeremy Shockey, the rookie for the NY Giants, is going to make you look like a third string tight end by the end of the year. He’s that good, believe me.
You, my good man, are the ultimate sucker and King Carl needs a sugar fix.

One learns a lot when traveling on a tour bus. Things like when to talk and how to find the most comfortable position in a seat while trying not to bother the person in front of you.
Life on the road can be hard but the Longview Lakers know this life all too well. Still, though, some things do get tiresome.
Day 1
“A ten-hour bus ride is a little boring,” catcher Freddy Gallardo said.
Pitcher Chris Conrad found other things to grate on his nerves. “I hate this, fast food and all, especially Burger King. The worst part about these trips, though, is sitting on the bench waiting to get in the game.”
Of course, not everything is a total bust on the road. Some guys, like pitcher Trevor Stancill, pick up new card games but for the most part, the Lakers try to get some sleep.
Welcome to life on the road. From Kansas City to Grenada, Mississippi, the journey has just begun.
Day 2
The poorest state in the union is interesting, to say the least, and the language is all its own. Something like Ebonics with a Dwight Yokum twang all rolled into one nice neat little dialect.
Day two started at 7:30 a.m. for the Lakers.
At eight, head coach Mark Lyford held an optional chapel service for anyone who wanted to attend.
“It’s optional because of the church and state rules,” Lyford said. “It’s nice, though, to see some of the guys come to hear and discuss the Word.”
After the service the Lakers headed out at 8:25 a.m. and got breakfast, fast food again.
An hour and a half later the Lakers arrived at Holmes Community College, where the young girls spit chew and the men brag about the time they have spent in the “pen.”
By noon the first pitch of the doubleheader between the Lakers and the Bulldogs of Holmes was thrown. Half an hour later the game was basically over, thanks in part to a decisive four run inning in the second by the Bulldogs and muffed balls by the Lakers. Game one’s final was 7-2 Bulldogs.
Whoever said Mississippi was warm lied. By the way, it’s windy, too. Despite the unseasonably cold weather, the stands were relatively full. The crowd was made up of a clandestine group of yokels straight out of Deliverance. Thankfully no one had to squeal like a pig.
Of course what our friends from the South seemed to lack in intelligence they more than made up for in spirit. The ring leader, a woman in her late ’50s, early ’60s, always had her mouth running.
“C’mon na, ye’all gicha a nun!” she would exclaim.
Translation: “Let’s go boys, knock a run in!”
Game two was more of the same. Lakers’ errors and a huge 6-run third for the Bulldogs sealed the sweep. The final score was 9-3.
Another hour-an-a-half back to Grenada and the team is tired. Most of them sleep the entire way back to the hotel. After getting swept in the doubleheader, not too many publishable words were spoken.
From 6:00 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. the team relaxed and cleaned up, then went back to the bus to get dinner. This time it was Sizzler buffet.
“Buffet, damn, coach is going all out,” some of the guys joked.
Back at the hotel everybody does their own thing. Some guys play poker others workout. Injured pitcher Brett Bayse just mellows out.
“Dude, I love Cosby,” he said. “It’s still one of the funniest shows on TV.”
Day 3
An 8:30 a.m. wake up call stirred the Lakers from their slumber. By 10:00 p.m. they were back on the road.
Breakfast consisted of a bag of chips and a sandwich from Subway, then onto Booneville for the second doubleheader in two days. The ride was two hours and 15 minutes long with the on-board entertainment being “8 Seconds.”
Finally the team makes it to Booneville.
“This place is as bad as Arkansas,” Lyford lamented to his coaching staff.
After a little laughter the Lakers pulled up to Northeast Community College, home of the Tigers.
“Just remember what happens on the road stays on the road,” Lyford said smiling.
The Lakers take the field and begin to warm up.
“Hey, put this in the paper,” second baseman Adam Pieknik said with confidence. “The Lakers are going to win these games.”
Pieknik and the rest of the team back up the words with a much needed win in the first game, which included a solid pitching performance by Matt Duffield and a huge fifth-inning lead off homer by first baseman John Sims.
Game one’s final: 7-3 Lakers.
Game two saw a brilliant pitching performance by right-hander Jeremy Teter but in the end it was more of the same mistakes from the Lakers, as miscues on routine ground balls cost them the game. “Squandered opportunities,” as coach Lyford put it, ended up killing the Lakers. Final score: 2-1
After a disappointing split, the team heads for dinner. Burger King.
Tyler Faulk, Derek Braden and Conrad pull up seats and the stories start pouring out. Everything from drinking to women. Every story started with, “Man you remember when we…”
The best story was Faulk’s. Something about Royal’s Stadium, a cop car jumping the median on 291 highway and a drastically reduced speed.
When the story ended it was time for bed, which meant poker games for some and a hot shower for others.
Day 4
A much needed day off finds the team in good spirits. The Lakers board the bus and head for the Volunteer State, Tennessee. An hour-and-a-half later the bus reaches Memphis. Time for lunch and Wendy’s is the fast food chain of choice for today.
Pieknik and Conrad take a seat and begin today’s topic: the ethics of dating.
“You know,” Pieknik started out. “If the girl is too ugly to kiss then you shouldn’t take her back to your place for other things.”
“And another thing,” Conrad replied. “It’s not right to air out your business to other people, even if the girl is ugly.”
An interesting and enlightening conversation and two Frosty Malts later both go back to the bus.
Today’s itinerary is composed of rest, rest and rest, so it’s back to poker and sleep.
At 3:45 p.m. the phone rings and the team heads back to the bus for an early dinner, Memphis’ very own and, according to their menu, “best barbecue in the U.S.,” Corky’s.
This was the only meal not provided for by the coaches and it was worth the money.
“Look at this,” Faulk exclaimed. “They gave me a whole half of a chicken!”
Comments like these were pretty much uttered by everyone before they devoured their meals. Once the kingly feast was finished, it was back to the bus and onto AutoZone Park, where the minor league Memphis Redbirds play ball. Tonight, though, the University of Memphis Tigers played a home game in the drizzle.
The Tigers played a game that could be seen as a microcosm for the Lakers: a lot of heart but miscues eventually did them in. An early exit from the game marked the end of day four and as the last scenes of Scarface played out in rooms, the Lakers went to sleep.
Day 5
The last day of the road trip begins with breakfast at the Holiday Inn and by 11:30 a.m., the bus was loaded and the Lakers saddled up for the last doubleheader of the trip.
The Southwest Tennessee Community College Salukis were lying in wait for the Lakers and pounced on them from the opening moments of the game. This time it was an errant throw from catcher Gallardo to second baseman Adam Pieknik that opened up the floodgates. The game’s final was 8-3.
Game number two wasn’t much different except for the score, 6-1, and with that the Lakers could only muster a disappointing 1-5 record on the road.
The trek home was quiet for the most part and “Lonesome Dove” probably had something to do with it. At three in the morning, the Longview Lakers had finally arrived home where they were politely informed that they had a day off. Then it was back to practice.

by DAVID L. PENNER

by DAVID L. PENNER

“Play ball!”
Those two words couldn’t have come sooner for the Longview Lakers’ head baseball coach Mark Lyford.
After a “great” off-season, Lyford and his Lakers are ready to take the diamond for the spring season.
“We’re really excited,” Lyford said. “We’ve come off of some very impressive workouts in the off-season.”
Along with impeccable pre-opener training, the Lakers received a somewhat divine gift from the heavens above.
“We’re really blessed pitching-wise,” Lyford said. “It’s amazing.”
With pitching being as good as it is, expectations are high but the coach tends to stay a little more humble about his team.
“Everyone needs a tune-up. We just have to go out and compete,” he said. “We need to work hard and get better and that’s all I can ask for.”
This attitude also dictates the season strategy for the Lakers.
“We’re just going to put the best nine guys out on the field and see what happens. We’re not trying to go out of our way for teams like Maple Woods and make them the focus of our season,” Lyford continued. “We want every game to be just as important as the next one is and the last one was.”
This outlook bodes well for the team, which is lacking in veteran leadership. Out of the 24-man roster, only six are sophomores who have real game experience. For the first time in team history, captains were elected.
“We needed to find some leadership on the team, someone for the new guys to look up to,” Lyford said. “I think Derek [Braden], Jeremy [Teter] and Jesse [Robertson] have really stepped up as leaders, both vocally and as examples.”
As the season starts, naturally some guys’ nerves are in hyperdrive.
“A lot of the guys who don’t have any experience might have some jitters, but once they get out on the field, I think they’ll be okay,” Lyford said. “Plus I think the winter storm actually helped us to calm down a little bit and refresh us.”
The only thing that might cause a problem for the Lakers is a lack of run production, which will require the pitching to improve.
“As a whole, I think we’re going to be a good competitive ball club this season. Maybe what we lack in offense we can make up on defense,” Lyford said.
“We have a good chance of winning a lot of games this season.”

by DAVID L. PENNER

Elizabeth Taylor, excuse me I mean Michael Jackson, recently made a mockery of the music industry, with his televised reunion concert that included his long-forgotten brothers.

The freak show began with old school hit’s like “ABC 123″ or whatever it was called and then progressed to the really tantalizing stuff like, “I’ll Be There.” At any rate the people who did tune into this were most likely asleep by then, God knows I was.

Of course the self proclaimed King of Pop tried his best to hide from the spotlight, despite this being his tribute. He should be dubbed the King of Misanthropes.

Anyway the Jackson Five looked like an overweight quasi-musically inclined group of individuals who used to know how to play their instruments. By the way, Tito, the 80s called and they would really appreciate it if they could have their flattop back.

As far as the Fab 5 go what they lacked in talent and looks, who am I kidding the only reason the Jackson Five was ever cool was because they had huge afros and a talented little brother. Basically no afros equals not cool.

I used to be a huge Michael Jackson fan but as I was growing up I found out what real music was, by the way it’s not pop music. As cool as it was that Eddie Van Halen provided the guitar work for “Beat It,” Jackson just isn’t cool anymore.

As the glorified stage show continued, Jackson was introduced by his new friends Macaulay Culkin and Chris Tucker before begining his solo performance.

Jackson came out and rocked the house old school style with “Smooth Criminal” but then out of nowhere some Britney Spears look-alike started walking up and down the stage like a $2 piece and totally ruined the only song of Jackson’s I ever truly liked “Billy Jean.”

While being enthralled by and wrapped up in such a great production I couldn’t help but wonder if Jackson’s nose actually had any feeling in it. He really looks like one of the characters from the Rocky Horror Picture Show and exhibits the dancing traits of Dr. Frank N. Furter, the Transylvania Transsexual Transvestite of the acclaimed cult flick.

While watching this escapade I began to feel more and more angry. The guy who I used to want to be like with all the fresh dance moves and millions of screaming girls surrounding him is now a ghostly image of someone who is not quite human.

Regicide was committed as the legend died and the bubble-gum pop star was born again. Mike, do us a favor and stay locked away in your little play land, don’t tarnish our memory of a legendary performer and a thrilling individual.