The Current Online

Former Current Editor David Penner is now reporting for UCM’s Muleskinner. Find his stories here.

by DAVID L. PENNER

It’s official. Hell has finally frozen over in the wide world of sports. Every aspect of any game has either gone to the toilet or it’s just plain freaky. So here’s the run down for all of the wacko or idiotic things that have happened since the Giants lost the World Series.
The Cincinnati Bungles- sorry I mean Bangles- have finally won a game.
Peter Warrick actually lived up to his number one over-all draft pick hype of three years ago and did something on the field other than fumble or drop a pass. He caught seven passes for 78 yards and a touchdown.
At least now the Bangles don’t have to worry about not winning a game and being like the ’75 Bucs team that lost every game of that season.
In the NBA, the crown jewel of basketball, the Lakers, started the season 0-2. This special treat for Los Angeles fans hasn’t been accomplished in almost 15 years.
I wouldn’t be too worried about it though, in the games since then, Kobe Bryant has had two triple-doubles, is averaging just a shade under 31 points but the Lakers are still only 2-5 so far4 this season. It will be all right once Shaq gets back.
Now I have some sad news from the world of basketball. Grant Hill has been sidelined again for the third straight year because of soreness in his surgically repaired left ankle. Yeah right, who didn’t see this one coming?
Hill, though sometimes showing flashes of brilliance, hasn’t been an impact player since he was traded to the Orlando Magic. He’s more like a $100 million cheerleader.
Okay, I know that nobody watches hockey around here but this is at least worth mentioning.
Perennial doormat/bottom dweller/we-lived-in-hockey-obscurity-our-entire-NHL-existence Tampa Bay Lighting are sitting on top of their division for the first time ever. Yes, my friends. It is a sad day indeed when one is forced to have to mention the Lightning in the same breathe as the Detroit Red Wings or Colorado Avalanche.
I hope everybody is sitting down because this is by far the stupidest or most amusing thing you will read in a while.
We all know soccer is the most popular sport in the world. So what happens when the first-place team in an Argentinean league is slapped with a bad call? Do they give up? No! They score 149 points against themselves to protest the officiating, that’s what they do. The coach actually instructed his team to do this. And we thought Bobby Knight had problems.
I don’t know about anyone else but now that the temps are falling in hell I might not actually be so scared about ending up in the new icy pits of Gahanna. If you have any questions or comments I’ll be in penthouse #665 right next to the beast.

by DAVID L. PENNER

Tech N9ne is back with his newest release, a Strange Music debut, Absolute Power. Although, not as masterful as his previous record Angehellic, Tech’s latest album is entertaining, to say the least.
Tech N9ne has obviously developed his sound since Angehellic, which only featured local KC talent like the 57th Street Rouge Dog Villains. This time around nationally known shock rappers D12 (minus Eminem) appear on the album. KC is represented, though, with the aforementioned 57 RDVs, Yung Gunz and Big Krizz Kalico.
The strong points of Angehellic though are the tracks where Tech spits by himself without help from any additional MCs. “Slacker,” the first single off the album, is clearly the stand-out track but it doesn’t compare to other songs on the record. Five tracks, however, make it a must have for hip-hop fans or anyone down with the local music scene.
“Imma Tell” and the title track “Absolute Power” are the anthems for album. In “Absolute Power” he rips JCOR Records, accusing them of not pushing his previous album. He pushes his point when he delivers an extremely well composed rhyme, directed at JCOR bigwig Jay Ferris and the rest of the company, telling them where they can stick it, in so many words.
“Slither” and “Trapped in a Psycho’s Body” can be described in one word: haunting. “Slither” takes Tech on a journey to local strip club, Diamond Joe’s, where he meets a stripper and goes back to her place. The song is so weird because it’s basically a darker, less corny version of Quintin Tarrintino’sFrom Dusk Till Dawn. “Trapped in a Psycho’s Body” brings Tech back to his roots as an underground god by rhyming about what makes him unique, the macabre.
The last standout track, which is also the last track on the album, “I’m a Playa,” is by far the most fun song on the album. It samples the old “Rock Me Amadeus” song from the ’80s.
Tech has put together a great CD. It just lacks his underground sound from previous releases and performances. The sound, now, is almost too polished for Tech, which might not sit well with his core audience but will probably get him more play on radios around the country.
In the end, Tech N9ne made a great album but for either marketing reasons or reasons of his own, he decided to go with a more mainstream sound and not with what made him a KC underground king, a wickedly dark aspect of real life.

by DAVID L. PENNER

Wake up, America!

by DAVID L. PENNER

America, come out, come out, where ever you are.

Hey, look, imagine that. We’re safe and nothing happened to us on September 11.

You can come out of your bunkers and underground homes now because oh, yeah, nothing was going to happen anyway.

Now that you’ve realized that you aren’t going to die, feel free to join the rest of the world and get on with your life.

America is still in a state of mass hysteria and it’s a year after the fact.

I’m not by any means trying to disrespect or make a mockery out of a tragedy. I’m just sick of being bombarded with useless stories and information about the exact same thing, kind of like the O.J. Simpson trial but with more drama.

Has anyone noticed that our supposed “war on terror” is another Vietnam waiting to happen? It’s just on a more global scale.

Now, does anybody remember what happened during Vietnam? We didn’t so much as win that one.

While watching the news a couple of weeks ago, CNN broke a story on how the Taliban was allegedly testing a new chemical weapon on dogs. Honestly all I could think about was how far behind their technology really is, at least the United States can afford to use monkeys when they test new chemicals.

Hey I know we are all going to die sometime but I can guarantee it won’t be from anthrax or any other biological weapon unless you are a refugee living in Northern Iraq.

People can call me cold hearted because they might think I have no sympathy regarding such a disaster but I really do care.

September 11 was one of the worst things to ever happen on American soil and I do think it needs to be remembered, in everyone’s own little way. It does not need to be remembered though with stale stories and media barrages about how bin Laden is going to unleash holy hell on America

Osama should be the least of our worries right now. Instead of looking for a man we can’t catch let’s focus on problems that we can actually take steps to eliminate in our own country like crime, poverty and over crowding in jails.