Tag Archives: Adam Glenn Dean

Piece by piece poetry

February 7, 2003

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by CLAYTON SEDLER
To raise funds, the Longview Current hosted a Magnetic Poetry contest in December. Angela B. Roulette dominated the fundraiser with “Love,” winning $15. Adam Glenn Dean came in third and Kelly Rollinson stole second in the contest.
-Clayton Sedler

1st place winner,
Angela B. Roulette
Love
Tantalize my eyes
Linger wild kisses
Drench gentle whispers Torment my skin
Pleasure
Paradise
Brilliant romantic love
My soul inhales your beauty
Love
Sanctify me
2nd place winner, Kelly RollinsonMelancholy woman sits by the fire
Love is a need she envys
Her fear of it springs much hurt
Why idle with immense dreams of him
If she can not have him
Her discontent could stagger her with vehmence forever.

Let the manic speak and bestow compulsive paranoia
Teaching us through their neurotic lecture
They are not insane nay they know all
Like sex music and anger all are dark passions
Learn share shed dysfunctional thought celebrate delusions.

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Do I smell feet?

November 15, 2002

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I love her so much I bought her Christmas presents with my Marlboro miles

by ADAM GLENN DEAN

I have spent my life trying to grab the brass ring of fame through music. I’ve come close a few times, gained mild notoriety and even put out an album that was purchased by the masses, i.e. my grandmother and a busload of Swedish tourists who thought I was John Tesh, but nothing that really put me on the map.
Now my younger brother is on the same quest. He is moving his act to Nashville to become the next Chet Atkins. This got me to thinking – I never tried the Country Music angle. I tried pop, rock, pop-rock, punk, contemporary Christian, Modern Muslim, Jewish Jazz Latvian folk, Gaelic hard core rap and a last ditch effort where I dressed up like a giant beaver and sang songs aimed at the over-80 crowd that ended quite badly. So with country being the last frontier for me, I thought I would try out some of my ideas on you, the reader.
First off, you need a snappy title for a band. The name must be catchy and relevant to the desired demographic. “Slayer,” for example, is obviously a band whose music is aimed at a listener who kills mythical beasts with a lance and 20-sided dice. In the same way, my band’s name will beckon my audience like pigs at hog call. So the name of my band will be “Hog Call.” Now, for the song titles.
I refuse to fall into the cliches of the genre by focusing on drunken debauchery resulting in the loss of a significant other or any breed of retriever. I will take the higher ground and write songs about issues that are poignant to my audience. “I Love Her so Much I Bought Her Christmas Presents with My Marlboro Miles” and “There May Be Some Rust and a Lot of Rough Mileage, but She’s Still My Wife” and “She May Be Thirteen but That’s 91 in Dog Years so I’m Dating an Older Woman.” And my sweet, sappy ballad, ” You Get the Girl Off the Farm but You Can’t Get the Smell Off the Girl”–these are just a few of the highlights that will be featured on my freshman country effort. With this arsenal of well-written fare, I will take the country music scene by storm.

I have already played one show at a local gin joint and actually received a piece of mail from an adoring fan.
Dear Adam,
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your music sucks and you owe us $4.87 for your jalapeno poppers – you deadbeat. Sincerely,
Management
Thank you, Miss Management. I look forward to seeing you at the next gig.
As far as other venues where you can see me perfect my newly adopted craft, they seem to be few and far between here in our fair city. I would like very much to play at the nicer venues like hotels or amphitheaters but the only other bookings I have so far are at Big Jim’s Pork Fritter Fantasy Palace off of old highway 0001 sometime early next year, and Karen Rowniski’s bachelorette party on Dec. 14.
I may not have been successful in my other musical endeavors but I am tailor-made to be a country star. Worst-case scenario, I still have my beaver costume and you can only be chased by an 85-year-old woman in a wheel chair who thinks, “You’ve done something with Tom Jones!” for so long before she gives up or gives out.
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All lip and no tongue

November 15, 2002

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Why exactly did we think KISS ruled?

by ADAM GLENN DEAN

When I was a child, I not only wanted to listen to KISS, I wanted to be them. The band that had every mother trembling in her station wagon and every eight-year-old boy spitting out ketchup on the dining room table was the ultimate display of rebellion washed in carnival sideshow theatrics. The white-faced messiahs that carved a totem of gothic metal lords in my still developing psyche, were more of a religion than a band. Like other great religions, I was forced to practice it in secret, for fear of persecution.
The illusionists, that were the seventies super group, made life mysterious and bearable for a tortured first grader in the “burbs.” The images of dragons, metal-clad warriors and a legion of fans, that became a literal army, fostered my need to immerse myself in all things Kiss. As time went on, however, the grease paint smeared and the reality of the “B” band emerged.
On the surface, the four members of the arena dwellers had an otherworldly facade that was never questioned by their youngest followers. These were not high-school dropouts in white face, but rather real “demons,” “catmen,” “space rangers” and “starchildren.” Their disguises were perfect. My parents were adamant about their dislike and kept my exposure to them at a minimum. The fact that what I knew of them was more second-hand than actual personal exposure made them all the more appealing. “Gene breathes fire and has to be put out by a paramedic every concert,” my cousin, a fellow disciple, would report. “That isn’t make-up, that is their real skin,” I was told by the same “reliable source.”
The larger-than-life image I adopted of them was even grander than the one their publicity machine could manufacture. In secret, I would look at pictures of them in old issues of “Hit Parader,” sing the song “Beth” to myself on the school bus when I felt maudlin and even cut the bottom of my favorite blanket so it would look like the bottom of Gene Simmons’ cape. I was not allowed to own one of the Casablanca-marketed vinyls that I could spin on my Winnie the Pooh record player and, thus, give me the full effect of their message, so my actual knowledge of the music was limited. Songs like “God of Thunder” were “poisons” that I could ingest only in small doses in the confines of my cousin’s basement while flying low under my parent’s radar. While the generation ahead of me shared coffee and chit-chat in the rooms above the basement, I was living the life of a small-time deviant lapping up every last chord and drum beat. Huddled around the speakers with the music played so low it was barely audible, we imagined ourselves front row in a stadium deadening our ears with blistering volume.

When I was a child, I not only wanted to listen to KISS, I wanted to be them. The band that had every mother trembling in her station wagon and every eight-year-old boy spitting out ketchup on the dining room table was the ultimate display of rebellion washed in carnival sideshow theatrics. The white-faced messiahs that carved a totem of gothic metal lords in my still developing psyche, were more of a religion than a band. Like other great religions, I was forced to practice it in secret, for fear of persecution.
The illusionists, that were the seventies super group, made life mysterious and bearable for a tortured first grader in the “burbs.” The images of dragons, metal-clad warriors and a legion of fans, that became a literal army, fostered my need to immerse myself in all things Kiss. As time went on, however, the grease paint smeared and the reality of the “B” band emerged.
On the surface, the four members of the arena dwellers had an otherworldly facade that was never questioned by their youngest followers. These were not high-school dropouts in white face, but rather real “demons,” “catmen,” “space rangers” and “starchildren.” Their disguises were perfect. My parents were adamant about their dislike and kept my exposure to them at a minimum. The fact that what I knew of them was more second-hand than actual personal exposure made them all the more appealing. “Gene breathes fire and has to be put out by a paramedic every concert,” my cousin, a fellow disciple, would report. “That isn’t make-up, that is their real skin,” I was told by the same “reliable source.”
The larger-than-life image I adopted of them was even grander than the one their publicity machine could manufacture. In secret, I would look at pictures of them in old issues of “Hit Parader,” sing the song “Beth” to myself on the school bus when I felt maudlin and even cut the bottom of my favorite blanket so it would look like the bottom of Gene Simmons’ cape. I was not allowed to own one of the Casablanca-marketed vinyls that I could spin on my Winnie the Pooh record player and, thus, give me the full effect of their message, so my actual knowledge of the music was limited. Songs like “God of Thunder” were “poisons” that I could ingest only in small doses in the confines of my cousin’s basement while flying low under my parent’s radar. While the generation ahead of me shared coffee and chit-chat in the rooms above the basement, I was living the life of a small-time deviant lapping up every last chord and drum beat. Huddled around the speakers with the music played so low it was barely audible, we imagined ourselves front row in a stadium deadening our ears with blistering volume.

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Do I smell feet?

October 4, 2002

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Dr. Strangelove

by ADAM GLENN DEAN

The passing of Ann Landers has left a conspicuous void in the advice community. I have been known to fill a few conspicuous voids in my life and I believe this opportunity should be no exception.
Since I began writing this column, people have come to me in emails, and in person, commenting on my takes on life, politics and the proper way to prepare otter (remember, the more paprika, the less gamey your otter). The comments are always the same. They say things like, ” Your takes on life, politics and otter preparation are dead on!!” or ” You really know what you’re talking about. It would make great economic sense if I were to supersize that!” and occasionally even, ” Stop following me-I mean it you psycho!!!”. With this kind of encouragement and positive reinforcement, I have no choice but to become this publication’s advice columnist.
Our first question comes from a second year student here at Longview. She asks:
Dear Adam,
I am worried about the job market and the possibility I may not find a career after college. Any advice?
Sincerely,
Tiffany Amber Thissen.
Well, Tiffany, this is a valid concern. The modern day economy is not lending itself to national fiscal growth and it has become a cancer in the private sector. My advice is to forget about college and get on one of those reality shows. “Do You Want to Marry a Billionaire Survivor’s Bachelor’s Cousin’s Pool Boy” is casting and they are looking for people just like you.
The ad reads “Tired of trudging through life with purpose and goals? Fed up with a life of constant self-improvement and personal growth. Why not blow it all off for your fifteen minutes?!”
Now is your chance to give normalcy the finger. Show the world that living a life that will etch itself into the annals of pop-culture obscurity is far better than living in one of expanding horizons and endless possibilities.” There’s no future in plugging away at the collegiate grind when the Darva Congers of the world are really making it.
Tiffany, I don’t know you personally, but I can tell by the way you wrote your question to me in crayon that you are either a fun-loving, optimistic kind of gal or a scary person who spends her weekends making naked models of NASCAR drivers out of potted meat. In either case, if you follow my advice you can’t go wrong.
If you would like help with a personal problem, professional dilemma, or using endangered species as delectable side dishes, please contact me here at the Current. I feel your pain and I can help.
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