by KYLE McKEOWN
Before moving to Kansas City last August I did not know what love was, but over the course of my fall and spring semesters at Longview I have found love four times. Below are the vows I have written to the four people with whom I fell in love since moving to Kansas City. These are the vows that I will read to each of my lovers when we are wed. No wedding dates have been set, yet, because these people do not yet know that they are in love with me, but that will not take long because I am super fine, I have cool hair and I can dance.
You must have wings,
Cause girl you are fly.
Since the first time you walked by,
I knew we were in love.
When I saw you in the Student Activities Office,
I thought, “Wow, you are so fine.”
Cause you are.
And then I would see you on camp-”us,”
And I would think,
“Golly, I sure would like to buy that girl things, for her.”
I went out and got a job,
And that job made me tired.
So I did not go to my other job,
And I got fired from my other job.
But that is O.K. because
I am on food stamps and I can buy you things
And cook you things and make you say,
You are so pretty it makes me smile.
I have a question for you.
What is the longest word?
There is a “mile” between the first and last letter.
Girl, there will never be a mile between our hearts,
Because the only thing between our hearts is URHEART
And I do not even know what that means.
It may be French,
And if it is,
I will learn French.
I will learn what “URHEART” is
Because it is between our hearts
And I will crush it.
So that nothing is between our hearts.
Here is a list of things I would like to share with you: Slurpees, Dancing, Hugs, Music, my awesome hair, my cool shoes, my awesome family and friends, and my Dad who likes to go rollerblading in Daisy Duke shorts and cut-off t-shirts.
My friend, my dream, my wife.
Boo, you making me act the fool.
Like your name, I bark when you call, and
I heel when you snap.
I love you.
Since the first time I fell in love with you last fall,
You have volleyed my heart
Like a round white volleyball.
Girl, you are so fine that when I look in the mirror
I get scared that what I see in you
Is something more beautiful than my hair.
Because my hair is awesome, girl, and
When I get my hair permed, it will be like the tightening of my hair
And our love.
Just like your volleyball team
Went to nationals for the JUCO division,
We will go to nationals for the LOVE division.
Amy, you are so fine that
They should make a reality TV show about you called,
Amy the Most Finest Girl in the World, and She Is Pretty Too.
But you are so much more than that.
You are funny, and gangsta’, and
your beauty is like de-icer on my chest.
You melt my heart.
You make me happy.
When I am happy I prance.
I prance like a deer, a doe,
A female deer.
A ray, A drop of golden sun.
Illuminating from your
Big beautiful smile.
I love seeing your petite,
So fine body,
In your big pooffy jacket.
Girl, my friends don’t think
I could hack it with you.
I’m an ax, and I’ll cut through
A forest of nay-sayers
To find our love tree.
When I was younger,
Like 19, I would go to the park
All alone, and I would sit on the swing
And I would think about you.
Which is crazy because I was in Michigan
And I did not even know you.
Now that I am in Missouri,
Well, girl, now we getting married
And now I do not have to sit on a lonely swing
Because, now we will swing together
On the dance floor.
You are on student government,
Did you know that you amended my heart?
Yeah, you wrote the bill of rights to my love constitution.
And you gave yourself the right:
To speak that you love me, to rest in my bare arms,
To comb my hair, to tell me I am fine and to touch my bootie.
how I love who you are
Maybe it is the way I could stare into the sheets you hold to your face in the night,
Or maybe it is the way you whisper in my ear
That the homerun you just hit would not have happened if I had not been here.
You are always there for me,
You are there during scary movies to wrap me in your big arms.
You are there when my shoe laces come undone and I forget how to tie them.
Then you tie them.
If our love was a nation, you would be the president,
And I could be your intern.
In-turn, we would have the greatest nation in the world,
Because nothing can defeat our love.
Maybe we should sell our love on ebay.
We could sell it as nuclear fallout shelters.
It is that strong.
Or maybe we could liquefy it
and sell it on the streets as a substitute to steroids.
We could call it:
LOVE: by Aaron and Kyle;
Strong Enough to Kill a Moose.
Sometimes, when I am sleeping,
I have dreams where we are
Two arctic polar bears running through
The snow and we have babies.
But after I have your babies,
You come back and you try to eat our babies
Because, you know,
Male polar bears do that.
I hope you never eat our real babies.