Interview with a mis-parked car

by DEBBIE MADDEN

It’s that time of year again when the weather begins to turn and we start thinking about finals. Yes, kids, it’s a cold world out there. The wind doesn’t just blow, it bites—especially on the hill at Longview. As we bundle into our wool socks and heavy coats, only one thing is on our minds: “I wonder if I’ll get a good parking space.”
We’ve all done the rounds in the parking lot, not because we want the perfect parking space, but because we want to find a space, any space that’s not in Lot BFE. But as many will attest, sometimes life is cruel. We’ve all done time in the back forty at some point. Or have we? I decided to resolve this conundrum with some hard hitting investigative reporting. The only way to get an honest answer is to go right to the source with on the lot interviews.
Sometimes the people who drive the cars are reluctant to reveal the truth because they have to pay the ticket if they get caught. But their cars were a little more open.
The first car I decided to talk to was a silver Pontiac Grand Prix, license # 411-LWS. When asked why it was parked in a crosswalk, it replied rather brusquely that she was a woman, not an “it,” and that her owner was the one I should be complaining to, not her. So much for a friendly conversation.
I moved on down the lot and quickly found another crosswalk filled. This time I wasn’t going to fumble the interview from the start so I addressed the red Ford Focus, license # 875-PBJ, as “Madam.” She was rather congenial when asked why she was parked in a crosswalk. She said she really couldn’t help what her owner did but she was rather embarrassed by the whole situation. She also said knew who filled her gas tank and felt it wasn’t her place to complain.
My next interview was quite revealing. The red Nissan 240SX was a little cranky. It complained its left quarter-panel was aching because some inconsiderate kid had knocked his book bag into it earlier that morning and that’s not the half of it. His front bumper was rubbed raw from all those legs squeezing between the stairs and him. “I can’t hardly stand it,” he said. Understandably the Nissan refused to give me his license and registration because he felt all those goody two-shoes that park in legal spaces were targeting him. He was still grumbling as I moved on to the next interview, by far was the most interesting interview of the day.

The gray-black Ford ZX2, license # KTS-ZX2, had an entirely different take on the parking situation. ZX2, as he asked me to call him, said he was entitled to park wherever he *%^&* pleased and it wasn’t anybody’s business. ZX2 was also inflamed by the fact that he had a ticket stuck under his windshield wiper and tried to sweet talk me into removing it. I politely thanked him for his time and ran.
Now, you might be wondering about all the law-abiding cars in the lot. For the most part they seemed incensed by the violators but felt there was nothing they could do. Some cars gave me an evasive glance and really didn’t have an opinion on the parking situation. A few cars in the lot seemed lethargic and were unable to respond to my questions. A friendly blue Jetta volunteered that they were like that because their owners drove them around and around the lot looking for a parking space. Their owners simply refused to park in Lot BFE and the cars were the ones to suffer. She also suggested that if the drivers would show up a little earlier, they might get a space a lot easier.
I’m not sure I’ve resolved much with this bit of investigative reporting, but I feel I have helped bring to light the under-carriage of parking lot gossip. I must caution next time you drive onto campus, you might want to think about that poor Nissan and his aching quarter panel and not put your car into that position.